Tags: Funny jokes. humour
Text to Neighbour:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard. Second text message: Hi, Fred Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto- Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard
I want 4 little animals…
Mama taught her well! You’ve got to love this little girl. What a woman she’ll make. A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?” A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”. The teacher asked, “Really, and what four little animals would that be?” The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.
I want $100, and there’s another condition”. Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ – ‘Sounds great, the same,’ says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A burger, chips and a coke.’ – ‘Sounds great, I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ‘Brilliant idea, same for me,’ says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.60’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’ ‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’ ‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress.
‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’ ‘That’s right. Whether it’s a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu? The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.